In another few hrs i will by flying to Penang le!! Have been wanting to go Penang since years ago..coz there's many delicious local delicacies that im dying to try!!
But..somehow..i dont really feel as excited as my past trips..maybe bcoz im not travelling with him..wish you were the one going with me..
Hmm..anyway, i cant wait to eat and eat those yummy food!! Char kway teow, assam laksa, curry noodles, chendol, prawn noodles..omg im drooling..i hope i dont carry a food baby when im back!
Monday, April 20, 2015
1:13 AM Y
Post title : Deep feelings
♥ You'll never know the real me.
These few weeks...I felt like riding another roller coaster again..mood swings, thoughts just ran through me over and over..somehow I seemed to feel tired easily, like my brain cells were working too hard..whenever im alone, thoughts start to run wild, feelings start to become raw..maybe I should just pen it all down, hopefully to release some of them from my brain and heart..
I tried to hold him hoping he could turn back..even though maybe I would risk damaging my own heart if he still chose
to walk away from me, I will never regret my decision to salvage because I want to fight for my own love and happiness. I was being scolded for being so silly, because the one making the mistake is not me, why am I the one salvaging? Well, for him, I don't mind being silly..Just a simple reason: because he is the one I love most..Anyway, I failed, damage done.
He decided to let go of my hand and held on to hers, my heart broke completely and couldnt stop bleeding..tears were flowing like its abundant..I couldnt stop dreaming of you..I still love you deeply..and so I decided to freeze my own heart to stop the bleeding and pain..maybe its a form of 逃避..its not gonna heal this way, but I don't know what else to do..I felt its better to stay this way to prevent myself from feeling the pain..anyway, I thought he would never turn back..like everything became a dream and I should just come back to reality..
Well, he came back to ask me for a second chance..to be frank, I was lost at the point of time..a mixture of feelings..I felt a lil happy and touched because he came back for me and it proved that he still love me..I felt a lil sad because he only turned back when he had tried out the other side of the grass to realise that the grass he used to have is greener..I felt more of afraid because I had lost faith in relationship and I didnt feel ready to start a relationship again..Im not ready to give him an answer..
I was subconsciously hoping..maybe he can slowly melt my heart once again and help me to heal my wound and mend my broken heart..it is not easy as my fear of pain has been deterring me from committing to the r/s..melting my heart needs some effort from him, to rebuild my confidence in him and make me believe in our love once again..
Actions always speak louder than words..
But..my heart was crushed instead of melted..his words became very hurtful..he thought that I am just being childish and playing hard to get and I have the intention of revenging, by making him suffer like how I did..原来你是这样看我的..he felt that im just wasting his time and he had enough of it..
You said you wanted to heal my wound...but you don't even want to take the first step of healing first by rebuilding my confidence and also my faith in love, unless we are together..When you pushed me down repeatedly, and needed your care and concern to stop my bleeding first before I can hold your hand to get up and walk with you again..you choose to stand one side and ask me to get up on my own..
You asked for the leap of faith, but I have the fear of jumping because of you..I wanted to overcome my fear and needed your concern to help me overcome my fear..but...where are you..
You broke my heart into pieces..I was hoping you can take the responsibility to help me stick back the pieces one by one to make it whole again..but..you picked the broken pieces and expect it to return back to its original by itself without doing anything..
You implied that you turning back is the biggest effort from you to show your love..but..it is no longer enough to heal me..because you gave me a big blow before you walked away..
I am no longer hurt by your infidelity..because I have already forgiven you..I can choose to let go of the past mistake..but what hurts me most is your unwillingness to do anything to heal me when you want the second chance to salvage the r/s..
Sometimes I feel why you can't put yourself in my shoes and understand the fear that I am going through? I know you are still learning how to love and want to better maintain a r/s, but I only need you to make me feel loved and cherished again, like how you used to do it when we are at the initial stage of our r/s..to give me the strength to hold your hand again..but..you told me the wooing stage is over....and its either be together or end of story..sigh..these words really hit me hard..and so you didnt even want to shower any care or concern for me..I feel like you won't cherish me in the very first place because it does not matter to you and my feelings are not in your consideration..I thought as my soulmate, you would have understand me even better..
You make me feel that I am really not worthy of your time and effort..似乎我不值得你疼惜..is it I am no longer your priority..
I
was looking through all the past photos..I really miss the him who used
to love me in every way he could, who always leave the best for me, who
always showers me with care and concern, who cherish me like a little
princess of his, who is always there when I am feeling down, who will
put down his ego and comfort me when mistakes were made, whom in his heart i matters the most..where is he..will he come back I
was a lil softened when you started messaging a lil of your daily work
life..I was touched when you dropped by my house to specially pass me a
gift during eve of our supposed anniversary..my heart felt a lil warmth when you hug me in your arms..I thought, maybe he is
trying..maybe he is coming back..but..waves of disappointment and sadness always come when you
only appear when you are free, or when you said hurtful words to me, or
when you are unwilling to overcome my dark fear that is looming over me
right now..我..在你心里是可有可无吗? I
hope I can put faith in relationship again, but are you willing to
give me the courage in the first place? Im in my toughest time, yet in
the end, I have to walk through it alone.. I was hoping you can walk through beside me, and help me overcome my fear..but..is it i am expecting too much.. Haiz..time to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and freeze it again..maybe i shouldnt be expecting.. Somehow..i feel like i am lost in the jungle now..sigh..
Anything that is beyond my control now, maybe only time can tell..
**I was listening to this one of my all time fav music while typing this post...sad emo music..tears drop again~~
Monday, April 13, 2015
10:37 PM Y
Post title :
♥ You'll never know the real me.
Today is 13th april..what is so special today?
Actually nothing special..but sweet memories were being flashed back while i was writing the date for today.
Exactly 1 year ago on this day, him and i were on the HK Victoria Peak..writing a love message, to wish for both of us to have everlasting love and happiness..to hung our promise on the "love" tree..
04/13/14.....一生一世
Time flies. One year has passed. At that point of time, I was so looking forward to our future. Yet during this period of 1 year, so many changes happened.
Too many mixed thoughts and feelings were running in my mind. Too much to pen down. But not today, feeling tired. Didnt sleep well yesterday.
Today is just a random flashback. Nowhere to share. so i just share it with my little space here.
Another 2 days. Just counting down by myself.
The WitnessY
KAI YAN there's nothing wrong with my name.
If you think you know me, read my blog and think again. I'm imperfect and I'm Lovin' It.
Nobody's ever perfect.
I can't control the way i am,but i can control the way i live my life.
So welcome to my blog...=)
announcements;p
She pleadedY
-My 3-4 yrs in NUS will be a smooth-sailing yet exciting one.. -Graduate with a Bachelor degree with merit.. -Have more gatherings pls~! -To be able to go to Anfield~! -To meet Steven Gerrard in real person/have his autograph~ -To find my prince charming whom i can spend my life with.. -To shop shop and shop for more clothes and shoes~! -Perm my hair~! -See snow for at least once.. -Go for Lasik Surgery -Wish everyone to be happy and safe always~!
